When We're the Ones Who Lost It: A Guide for Adults
We often think about how to handle our children's outbursts: when they talk back, get aggressive, or are hurtful. But we don't often give ourselves enough space to process what to do when we, as adults, are the ones to snap.
And we've all had those parenting moments: when we lose our cool, yell, or feel an intense level of frustration. The worst part is when these moments happen right before we drop our child off at school, so we start our day feeling rotten, with no way to make amends.
Sometimes these moments come from (or lead to) a pendulum swing in our parenting approach. Perhaps we've tried to be loving and model gentle parenting principles, but in the process, set weak boundaries or let our child dictate the terms. Then we feel like we need to make up for being too lenient by swinging to the opposite extreme, perhaps shouting, threatening, or imposing harsh consequences. The result? Our children are confused by the inconsistency, and we feel guilty, which sends us swinging back to permissiveness again.
So what do we do?
Be gentle on yourself first.
Even when an outburst feels immense, our worst parenting moments do not define us or our relationship with our children. Parent Coach Nicole Schwarz offers this: "That was a moment in time. Learn what you can from the experience, make changes as needed, and move forward. Don't let one mistake overshadow the positive moments and parenting wins, even if they seem small."
Model making amends.
When we lose our patience, the path forward can be an intentional opportunity to show our children what accountability looks like. Jane Nelson's "Three R's of Recovery" from Positive Discipline offers a simple framework. First, recognize: once you've cooled off, acknowledge your mistake without weaving in blame — something like, "I feel really bad about how I spoke to you. You didn't deserve that." Then, reconcile: offer a genuine, heartfelt apology. And finally, resolve: work together to find a solution, inviting your child into the conversation as a true collaborator. When we model this kind of accountability, our children learn that mistakes are opportunities for growth and connection.
Think about lagging skills.
Dr. Ross Greene, clinical psychologist and author of Raising Human Beings, offers another perspective. He reminds us that children behave in challenging ways because they lack the skills needed, and given the choice, every child would rather do well. This reframe can help us shift from reacting to the behavior to getting curious about what's underneath it.
Get curious instead of reactive.
One way to get curious is to stay calm in challenging moments, simply observe without judgment, and ask (with genuine curiosity and empathy), "What's going on?" Then comes the harder part: actually listening. This is when we tend to want to jump in with advice or steer toward a solution, but it’s much more powerful to genuinely hear what our children have to say. This Empathy Step, as Dr. Greene calls it, is often where the real shift happens because a child who feels truly heard is far more open to collaborating on a solution that works for everyone. Our job isn't always to fix things. Sometimes it's simply to slow down, listen, and trust that our children, when given the space and support, are more capable problem-solvers than we give them credit for.
Consider what unmet needs might be at play.
Psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs believed that all behavior has a purpose, and that beneath most challenging moments is an unmet need trying to make itself known. He identified four common "mistaken goals" behind challenging behavior: a bid for attention, a need for power, a hurt looking for acknowledgment, or a quiet kind of giving up. Each carries a coded message worth decoding. A Positive Discipline Mistaken Goal Chart can help, offering a framework to match our emotional reactions to what our children might really need.
Reflect on our own patterns.
Once we've extended some grace to ourselves and reconnected with our children, it's worth taking time to reflect on the bigger picture. Researchers have identified four general parenting approaches: the authoritative parent, who balances warmth with clear, consistent boundaries; the authoritarian parent, who leads with strict rules and expects obedience without much explanation; the permissive parent, who is deeply loving but struggles to hold limits; and the uninvolved parent, who is largely disconnected from their child's emotional and practical needs.
Most of us won't see ourselves perfectly in just one category. And most of us will recognize, with some honesty, that stress, exhaustion, or our own upbringing can pull us toward patterns we don't always feel proud of. The goal is awareness. When we can pause and notice the style we're operating from in a given moment, we have the opportunity to choose something more intentional, and that keeps connection and respect at the center, even on the hard days.
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